What the hell? Right here, in broad daylight, some hard-hat types are actually demolishing our freedom? Stop them now! Then it occurred to me: they can’t be doing this on their own; higher powers must be involved. Disguised under a legitimate cover, this may be in fact a huge covert enterprise – probably taking orders directly from the White House. Isn’t that what this administration has been doing all along – demolishing our freedoms one by one, surely but not even slowly? What if “Freedom Demolition” is the lead contractor in the war on freedom?
Another early morning, walking to work again, still a bit bleary. All of a sudden I’m stopped like a deer in the headlights: the sign on a truck in front of me says: “Moral Plumbing”!
My sleep is instantly gone; I am in awe, and my mind keeps spinning, grasping for the hidden message behind the one in front of me, the real writing on the wall. Does it mean the plumber charges you what the job really costs? Or that he fixes the leaky toilet but does not uproot your jacuzzi that did not have a problem to begin with? Or (God forbid) he moralizes to you every time he finishes the job? And then it dawned on me: it is about plumbing of your morality! How is yours, by the way – spotless? Commendable, I presume? Perhaps these guys with wrenches are secret angels, caring for those other immoral folks, fixing immorality one leak at a time. They must be in the same league with Dostoyevsky and Thomas Mann.
Or perhaps they are religious conservatives, supporting the President’s cause on the “values” front, lobbying for decency laws, and trying to put to bed that disgusting and totally preposterous relationship between a man and a monkey?
Have you ever thought about how hard it must be to pick a name for a utilities company? A thousand other guys are already doing construction; a thousand more do gardening, plumbing, wiring. How the heck can any of them be distinctive? Labor is so material, so down-to-earth – there is little that imagination can do, and little is expected. I can just see someone browsing through the Yellow Pages before naming a new company: “Taken… Taken… Taken – and I thought I was the first one to come up with AA Construction!”
Pitiful! But the good news is that the customers don’t care – call yourself whatever you like, as long as you can fix the damn leak. What an excellent disguise can it be – just mask your campaign groups, PACs, think tanks as plumbers, contractors, electricians, and garbage collectors! Their funding can flow abundantly without raising eyebrows. “Did you really have to pay 300 million last year to Moral Plumbing?” “Well, sir, we’ve had quite a few leaks last year in the White House; we really needed to control them.” No problem…..
Another day, another time – another intriguing sign. This time on a small truck-mounted crane: “Pride Rentals”. Another sign of our sad times – people are willing to be proud of … anything. You don’t have to be a savvy politician to take advantage of it – people crave pride. Your life is pathetic? Well, Pride Rentals can actually help you become proud of it! (Just fill out this form, please). Affordable pride; corporate accounts welcome. Definitely go and rent a pride today. Can they also sell you a pride? Not practical; when times change and your source of pride loses its luster, there’s no resale value… but you can always walk away from the rent.
How clearly Pride Rentals reveals itself to be another leg of the octopus that I have uncovered! People are eager for pride – and Republicans sell (pardon – rent) them a bunch of baloney under slogans of national pride. Citizen-consumers feel proud instead of ashamed when their country is out of step with the rest of the civilized world. You don’t have to perfect yourself, just be proud of what you are. The pride crane will lift you up! Proud to be aggressive; proud to eat junk food; proud to ignore global warming and other brainy stuff. A sticker on my neighbor’s car says: “Power of Pride”. No doubt he bought that sticker from Pride Rentals!
Now I was on the lookout, roaming downtown with bleary eyes, knowing that there must be some other piece of the puzzle that brings it all together, some logical conclusion for this huge covert operation. And I found it. It was not a truck this time. The sign in front of me read: “Best Way”. The sign was on a bright yellow… dumpster. That’s where it is taking us. We can ignore historical lessons and human knowledge (and be proud at it), but not forever. At the end of any irresponsible policy there is a dumpster. The ideologues have cleverly branded it “Best Way” – to sweeten the pill, but the garbage inside still smells as sweetly.
And why do I see them all in downtown? Well, that’s where the money is! There must be a financial trail leading to the “plumbers” and “demolishers”. Yet no campaign finance laws could locate and stop such an astute scheme. John McCain will never go after plumbers. Maybe he even runs a front of his own, disguised as a bakery or a laundromat?
So I call on you to be vigilant about seemingly harmless service companies, and treat them with extreme prejudice. They may be not who you think they are. Your friendly plumber may actually be installing an eavesdropping device in your bathroom, as ordered by the NSA and of course in full accordance with the war powers of the Prez. And the guy who rents you a car may throw in a little something, so that you drive away drunk with pride. So check your contract carefully.
Disclaimer: This is a work of fiction. All businesses appearing in this work are a product of author’s imagination. Any resemblance to real businesses is purely coincidental.
